Do you have a personal mandala?

Veil, 24" x 18", Oil and encaustic on canvas, mounted on board

This story was originally published at ‘Crazy Sexy Life.com’ back in September 2009.  Since then there have been some major changes in my life.  Enjoy the story behind the painting and I’ll see you one the other side!

I’ve recently completed my first…(.of what I believe will be many)…mandala. It started as an idea to paint memories of my life the way I WANT to remember them…..not the way they happened. I began painting Veil to document the ceremonial aspect of weddings, particularly my own, but came out of it with a completely different perspective.

My veil was so important to me. I was the type of bride that cared more about the veil than the dress….really…the veil came first. I found a picture in a magazine of a wedding dress that was beautiful…. yes, but the veil was ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS! It just draped from the woman’s hair… nothing fancy (which I loved!)  and was transparent except for a wide gold pattern that snaked around the cloth.

I was in love and tore out the picture, noted the designer.  Made an appointment as soon as I could muster up the courage ( it was a couture designer and I’m by no means $rich$!) went there with the picture in my sweaty little hands.

Mind you I had no idea what my dress would look like…..

I stood there as the ladies at the desk explained to me that the picture was for the DRESS and that the veil was just a prop!

‘Probably something that the designer just pulled out to use in the photo shoot‘ she said, ‘she’s very creative that way’.Then they asked if there was anything else I wanted to see, since I’d made the 15 minute veil appointment, but I couldn’t bear it. I was heartbroken.  There began my search for THAT cloth, as ridiculous as that sounds!

I sent the aforementioned designer pics of my work and told her that I couldn’t afford a dress but loved what creativity she used for the veil in this particular shot, could she help me?….and of course, no response.  I went around to all the fabric warehouses in NYC till I found what I can honestly say is a fabric pretty darn close. I was ecstatic!!! I didn’t know what to do with it as the pic was pretty straightforward and it just hung from her hair, but I had my magic veil cloth!!  All would be well!!  Everything would just fall into place. Ha ha ha !!

I don’t need to tell you that that was not the case, however, it was in a weird way.

The wedding came and went and with it went all the anxieties that encircled it. Was it perfect? of coarse not! But did I learn from it?  So much so that when I pulled out that piece of fabric, it spoke to me. It was everything I had wanted and more.

Every bit of the magic cloth that I had so wished it to be …simply because I deemed it so.

I sketched it on a canvas and began painting it. The veil a prior i, right before my very own eyes, connecting to me in a very visceral way.

Dumbstruck that it could be that simple. I enjoyed every bit of painting Veil, the way the design led to the hand dance and the beauty that developed in my individual brushstrokes. The serenity came in the making of it.  The transcendent nature of my own self came forward. I realized my true nature while painting it.

Do you have a personal mandala?  An image you can get lost in that takes you to another place?  Or an experience that started out one way and finished in a completely different direction?

This is where life gets weird….

Fast forward six years. The now halted length of my marriage.  I used to wonder if I was the only bride whose wedding band used to chafe her finger.  For some reason it was just difficult to get used to.  I guess being a painter coupled with all the hand washings would agitate it.  At least that’s what I told myself.  ‘An experience that started out one way and finished in a completely different direction…’

Divorce is never pretty.  Isn’t that what they say?  I guess it’s true, but when I look back at this painting of my wedding veil all I can see are the lessons swirling around inside it.  Everything has a deeper meaning now.  I was telling myself something the whole time.  I get lost in this painting even more now.  Hidden within it lie wonderful truths that will always be despite the changes on the outside.

If this resonates with you….by all means, leave me a comment below.

Love & Transcendence,

Lazarus xx

Pssst….get up out of you chair and stand about 6 feet from your computer, then look back at Veil from a distance. It’s pretty cool!  ;)  xo  There’s a Super close-up HERE!